It’s the Inner Fight That Counts

The world is a scary place, but I have armbands!

The meaning of strength, according to a very brief Google search: “the capacity of an object or substance to withstand great force or pressure, power to resist force: solidity, toughness.”

When I was told that we had received approval from the Department of Health, I was feeling such mixed emotions about being both excited and then scared. I have my moments of feeling excited and wanting to plan a whole lot of adventures post-transplant. And then I feel down and upset about what if the outcome is not what I hope it will be. It’s a rollercoaster ride for sure, and with every step and every new day you learn how strong you are. I often question whether waiting on the transplant list is a little easier mentally that having a set date. It’s all dependent on the person.

I’ve been feeling panicky for the past week or so, and have just wanted everyone to know how I feel about them but overthinking it to the extent that I’ve been so caught up in my own thoughts, creating stories in my mind. And then not filtering my words and they just come blabbing out and I’ve wanted to swallow them back when it’s already too late.

I said to a friend of mine that I felt as though I was clutching onto straws with the people in my life at the moment, simply because I want them to all know how much I love them and I’ve never needed people in my life before, I’ve always wanted them… but at the moment I’ve felt like I needed them. He said, and it was something that I guess I wasn’t seeing at the time; “it’s easy to look to the people around you to be your pillar of strength, but you’ve always been your own pillar of strength and courage. Yes, the people around you are important in your life and will be a huge reason for you to fight whatever comes your way… but your faith and your strength are what will get you through to see the other side. You have the courage to get through whatever you come across in your life.”

I cannot express enough how much the people around me have held my hand at times when I felt I was losing my footing a little. And I am so grateful for all of them for those moments of strength that have helped me to get back onto my feet… but, I had to get back onto my feet, and that takes courage. I had to take one more step. I have defied all of the odds to the date, and doctors question why I am still alive with the current state of my liver. It’s my mentality and thinking that have helped me to get to where I am today, I thank my parents for that. For always encouraging me to look for the positive, to push through those hard times and learn the lessons I needed. Every obstacle has been a stepping stone in the current direction I’m headed.

Yes, I’ve caught myself saying more than I should to the people in my life. Yes, these people matter to me. But I have to fight this! If people choose to be there to support my journey or not, that’s their choice and their journey too. I can’t rely on other’s to fight for me. This is my body and my transplant. I can pray, and give the things I don’t have control over to my faith but this is my fight and I won’t go down without a bang, even if I’m hanging on by my fingernails.

Like my liver adoption, this has highlighted the importance that you cannot rely on others to make you happy. You have to be happy within yourself first, anyone else in your life just adds to your happiness. It is the same with the strength and pushing through to see the other side, and doing all the things I want to do after transplant. I cannot rely on other people, but I can hold their hand when I’m struggling.

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Bold Brunette

Almost everything can be an adventure • Liver transplant recipient• Learning & growing every day.